NOT ONE OF MY BETTER DAYS

Determined as I was all day to not write a post tonight here I again sit at my keyboard drawn like a Moth to a flame.  A Moth which at times carelessly flies too close to that  very flame & other times frolics recklessly around it.  But drawn I am & I can't seem to help myself.  I do have an addictive personality & sometimes I do wonder if I have yet fallen into the grips of yet another obsession.  Years ago a cigarette addiction gripped me for years as well did alcohol.  I was an over the top coffee addict for a long time.  They all seemed to be an obsession.  On top of that I have this love/hate relationship with daily Blogging now & have had it for a number of years.  I enjoy it, I look forward to writing every day, love traveling about searching out new photos & yet I become so frustrated with myself over my Blog.  You have no doubt detected that love, hate, enjoyment & frustration in many if not all of my posts.  I am one of those restless souls/Bloggers who many a time questions himself over what he writes.  Can't help it, I'm just put together that way & my frustration & criticism with self is an ever present irritation which comes from within.  I think back to things I have written & shake my head in disappointment while other times something I have written will bring a smile knowing it has helped someone somewhere.  With each tap of that ‘Publish’ button every night goes out another piece of my inner self & maybe that is part & parcel of my overall problem.  When is too much too much & not enough still too much.  I probably take blogging way too seriously by putting too heavy a pressure on myself.  But I take a lot of things seriously.  I constantly worry about who I may have offended by my careless use of words at times.  Who have I left out, who have I stepped on unintentionally & in a few cases I have to admit.....intentionally.  I'm bothered by guilt at not reading or commenting on my fellow Blogger's posts like I did in my first 5 years of blogging.  I look at my own sidebar & see all the folks I have listed there & I am touched by guilt that I have not been keeping up with most everybody anymore like i once did.  I know this stuff probably doesn't bother most others but for me, like I said it's just the way I am put together.  It is what has been ingrained into me from childhood & I have never been able to shake that over sensitivity.  I do not travel with the every day luxury of confidence so many folks have.  And I do not possess the Ego to carry me through everything regardless of how badly I may have stepped on someone’s toes.  I guess that is noticeable when I am sometimes too quick to apologize & step back from something I have said that actually did not warrant an apology in the first place.  Anyway, where am I going with all this tonight.  I don't know.  Like I said, it was not one of my better days & that came out though my keyboard tonight.   Sometimes it's just best to dump all the cards on the table & let them fall where they may.  People will think what they will think & life will move forward regardless..................................